Free Magical Crack Bread

So my restaurant is one of the many that serves complimentary bread and butter while you wait on your meal. It’s a practice that RCs love, but I’m here to tell you that we the waitstaff are not all that thrilled about bread, and here’s why.

#1: Complimentary bread makes people rude. I come to the table, and start out with a very friendly greeting. “Hi, welcome to our restaurant! I’m your server today, how are you doing-” and before I can even finish my sentence, there are RCs out there who will brusquely interrupt me with “Where’s the bread?”. No “hi” in return, no pleasantries, not even a please. You know, it’s like, how dare I show up without the bread? Don’t get hostile with me about it! The way some people act about our bread you’d think it was crack or something! “Where’s the bread? Are you bringing the bread? We need the bread!” I never bring bread automatically to the table, unless you’ve been waiting five minutes or more for me to take your order. Why, you ask? Because we’re hoping you’ll order a little more than the free bread. Which brings me to the next negative thing about bread.

#2: So lets say I get through my pleasant greeting spiel without interruption. Next on the agenda? “Folks, I don’t know how hungry you all are today, but we can start you out with one of our mouthwatering appetizers. We’ve got an awesome grilled-” There are RCs that will cut me off right there. “Look, we are extremely hungry so just bring us the bread!” Again, no please, no respect for my appetizer presentation. An RC thinks to themselves, why should I pay for an appetizer, when they will bring me all the warm bread and butter that I want! Look, you’re entitled to feel that way, but don’t be rude about it. Don’t act like I’m a putz for suggesting an appetizer. That’s part of my job.

#3: The bread is not a meal unto itself. But if you plan on making a meal out of our bread, just be honest about it. This is something about women at lunch that just drives me insane. “Oh, we’re not very hungry at all! Just a light lunch today, I had a big breakfast, didn’t you Janine? So we’re each going to get the cup of soup-is that the smallest size? Or can we get a ramekin of soup? Even just a big spoonful-no? OK, the cup of soup for each of us, and the side caesar- no just one of those, we’re splitting the salad, right Janine? We’re just not that hungry. Two waters with lemon, oh yeah- and a loaf of the bread for each of us please.” I see, but neither of you are very hungry today, just a light lunch. And I guarantee you they will each want another loaf before the meal is over, and they will want to take some home, which is, in essence, point number four about bread.

#4: My restaurant is not a grocery store. What do I mean by that? You don’t come out to eat, and at the end of the meal ask for six to-go containers of ranch- “the bigger size, not that small size y’all always try to give me”, five cokes to go- “because my coke is a free re-fill right? OK, so let me have five of them to go, that’s five free refills, OK?”, six loaves of the free bread and a stick worth of butter pats. I don’t mind getting you a loaf of bread to go with the half of a steak you’re taking home. But seven loaves to go with two bites of salad? I know our bread makes a great peanut butter sandwich for the kids to take to school in their lunch box tomorrow, but that’s not why we provide complimentary bread.

#5: We also don’t provide complimentary bread to fill you up; it’s merely to take the edge off while you wait on your entree. So do we expect one loaf of bread to fill you and your wife and your four kids up? No. Will we bring you a second loaf, and a third? Sure, but lets not get excessive. The bread is not the meal.

#6: So, if I take your drink order, ascertain whether you do or do not want to order an appetizer, answer any questions you may have about the menu, and you are not yet ready to order, I will go grab your drinks and bring them back with… drum roll… The Bread. Yay!! The moment you’ve all been waiting for! (That’s pretty sad, folks.) Here’s something that really disgusts me. I’m going around the table, taking every one’s order. One or two people will start violently sawing into the bread and cramming it into their mouths, swallowing it down without chewing it. They will devour an entire loaf of bread in 25 seconds, and the look at me, wiping crumbs from their faces with the backs of their hands, and then look at the empty bread board meaningfully. Really? REALLY? I’m sorry, but that is incredibly ghetto. Period.

#7: The bread is not magic bread. That bears repeating: The Bread is not Magic Bread! Why do I say that? Because most people seem to think it is, and I must take this opportunity to set the whole myth straight. NO BREAD is magic bread! We take the bread out of the bread oven, and it is, indeed hot. As we walk, not run, to your table, it is already cooling down. And we’re just not going to run the bread to your table, so get over that right now. And please, pay very close attention to this point. If I set the bread down, and walk away, and you start an exciting, blow-by-blow account of your date last night, and your companion is so wrapped up in what you’re saying that neither of you touches the bread, and then I come back five minutes later to check on you, I guarantee you that bread is cold. Because again, its not magic bread. If you let it sit there, it will get cold. I promise you that. So, when I return, please refrain from rudely saying, “Wait, hold on Keisha. Listen, ma’am, can you take this cold bread, and bring us some hot bread this time? We want hot bread, right Keisha?” I brought the bread to your table hot. The fact that you had to find out whether Keisha did or didn’t when they went back to her place after dinner is your fault. You should have been munching on bread while she told you. Be honest with me and say that you let it get cold, can I please bring you some more. I’ll be more than happy to!

In conclusion I just want to say this. The bread is free, so don’t act like it’s something you’ve paid all kinds of good money for. If you only get two loaves, it was free. If it wasn’t as hot as you wanted, it was free, and it’s not magical. And finally, its just bread, its not crack, so don’t act like a fiend about it. Have some self respect.